Just a Phase: My daughter's nonbinary week
This evening, I was at an event about finding joy in writing poetry hosted by the Vancouver Public Library. The poet leading the event was Ellie Sawatzky and I enjoyed the parts of the presentation I heard, but I'll be honest that I spent most of the time doing my own thing. She shared a piece about her niece that made my brain run wild so I wrote the following poem:
My Daughter's Nonbinary Week
I think I might just be a Person.
The words are pronounced with contemplation
A deep reverence for the exploration
A fear that maybe she'd been wrong
What if instead of a trans girl,
She was just a person after all.
Okay, I found myself say
What pronouns do you want me to use?
What name do you want me to call you?
I know my daughter. In less than six months
I know her better than my parents ever knew me.
This is a phase. She's a girl.
But exploration is important
And challenging beliefs about yourself matters
So I accept this phase
The same way I accepted her space travel phase
Or her chicken of the woods phase
So for a week, she is a different name.
For an entire week, I use they/them for her
Every moment, honoring her where she is
Honoring her journey. No expectations of time
This phase could be one day or five years
But it's only a week. A single week.
Actually, she says over pizza
Actually, I'm a trans girl.
She/her pronouns? I ask
Yes. Same name as before?
With a nod, my daughter's phase is over.
We have returned to how things were
And yet things will never be the same because
Phases are how kids learn,
And what my daughter learned is profound
Her dad loves her, whether she's his daughter
Or just a person. Whoever she is
She's enough.
~Pope Simon X
21 April 2026
From the moment I came out as trans, I've had parents show up in my life to ask questions. They've popped into my comment sections on my videos. They've dropped into my DMs. They've sought me out at events. They have interrupted other conversations. From people I've known my entire life to complete strangers, they all want to ask a trans person questions so they can be better parents. The questions are always the same.
What do I do if my kid comes out as trans?
What if it's just a phase?
My answer, from day one, has been the same: you accept them. Even if you know it's a phase, it doesn't matter. Just accept them. Love that child and let them know that whatever they are, whoever they are, however they define themselves, they are loved.
My logic was twofold.
- If it is just a phase, nothing kills a phase faster than acceptance. I swear every parent, from conservatives to leftists has forgotten what it was like to be a kid. Phases are how kids test shit out and the less you fight the phase, the less likely it becomes A Thing. The fastest way to get them to move on to the next thing is to make the thing not a big deal.
- If it's actually not a phase, accepting their pronouncement that they are trans or nonbinary or whatever else just set your child and you up for success. You have now shown your child that you value them and accept them for who they see themselves as. As an adult who once was a closeted trans child: this matters.
I just got to test my own logic on my own child and I have no regrets. To any parent who has asked me what to do: I gave you the right advice.
Now that I'm a parent and just watched this in action, yes, please, do what I said and just accept and love your child.
Literally the day after I wrote the post Not Better Dead, where I said that my love for B wasn't dependent on her gender, she woke up and told Tommy that she wasn't sure if she was a trans girl or just a person. When Tommy shared it with me I cracked up because it was like the Universe read my words and said "bet."
Here's the thing. I was 99.99% sure that this was in fact a phase. I was pretty certain that at the end of her exploration journey, however long it took, B would land on "actually, I am a girl."
This phase very much felt like a reaction to what she'd been through and finally being in a safe space so now she needed to explore who she was. Was it better to be B, a trans girl? Or B, the nonbinary child? Or B, the boy? She needed to know.
It was important to know.
Because Tommy and I agree, the answer was simple: Okay, what pronouns? What name?
She chose a gender neutral form of her chosen name and the whole family got on board with using they/them pronouns and that name. We corrected each other when we got it wrong. We invested in learning the name and pronouns she wanted us to use.
Remember, I was 99.99% sure this was a phase, but I never told her that.
I never put pressure on her to choose the way I wanted or bemoaned how difficult it was to learn to use a new name and pronoun set for her, especially since I was so sure it would go back to B, she/her.
Nope. That was my internal journey.
She needed her dad to show up and say "okay, I'll call you ___, and of course, I'll use they/them pronouns. You can be whoever you need to be and I'll love you just the same. Let me know if you ever want me to update what I call you."
It was so fucking easy.
Not learning a new new name and pronoun set. That was a bit of a challenge because brains like patterns and this is a change to patterns. That part wasn't easy, but it was worth it.
The part that was easy was just accepting her as she was.
It was so fucking easy to let her explore herself without judgment, without shame, without making my opinions shift her trajectory.
It was also easy to not make my difficulty learning new pronouns and a new name her problem.
I never made her feel guilty for making me learn them. I simply practiced what I preach and would say "sorry" and correct. In less than a week, I had it down because we all got on board and we all supported each other in using the name and pronouns she needed.
And then the other day, while making the dough for the home made pizza once more, I told her about how I was considering using he/they pronouns because sometimes I too just felt like a person. Most of the time, I want to be seen as a man, but sometimes, man doesn't quite feel right. I didn't want to sway where she landed. I did want her to see that even I, a grown up, thought about these things and that it was okay to explore at any age.
While squishing dough, she said, "I think sometimes I'm a trans girl and sometimes I'm a person and sometimes I'm a boy" and I was like "that's interesting how we're all so different! Being gender fluid is great! You can be whatever you feel like and I will love you no matter what."
I thought nothing of it. We finished what we were doing and moved on. She got distracted and ran off to do whatever an almost 9 year old does and I finished getting the pizzas in the oven by myself.
An hour later, we were sitting down at the table eating pizza. Tommy was in the other room talking to our housemates, so it was me and the 3 kids. B spoke up and said "actually..."
I didn't know what she was going to say, but I could tell it was important by the way she shifted as she talked, so I prompted her to continue. She took a deep breath.
"Actually, I think I'm a trans girl."
I breathed a sigh of relief because my daughter had found herself. It wasn't because she'd chosen what I wanted. I genuinely don't care who she is as long as she's happy and she's kind. But being a trans girl makes her happy.
But, again, I didn't make this about me. Regardless of what I felt, she needed acceptance.
"Okay, what pronouns do you want to use?"
"She/her."
"Do you still want to be B?"
"Yes."
"Sounds good! Do you want to tell Pops (Tommy) or do you want me to?"
"You tell him."
"I can do that. We can call you B and use she/her pronouns. Let me know if that ever changes."
One of her brothers told her he was proud of her for exploring her gender and deciding who she wanted to be and then we went back to eating pizza and making silly jokes.
It was just a phase, as I suspected.
But phases are important.
Phases are how kids figure themselves out.
Phases are how they learn whether the adults in their lives are safe or not.
My daughter learned that she is, in fact, a trans girl. She tried being nonbinary. She even played with the idea that she might be gender fluid. It didn't feel right, but she never would have known if she hadn't tried. That exploration was a vital piece of her knowing within herself who she is. At the end of the journey, she ended up exactly where I thought she would. But the phase was an important part of that.
And more importantly, she learned that not only is her Pops safe, but so is her new dad. No matter who she is, whether it's a boy, a girl, or just a person, she will be loved and treated with respect.
So I'm back to calling her B and trying to use she/her pronouns and I'm not going to lie and pretend like I haven't gotten it wrong a few times. But just like her shift to they/them, the family will respond the same. We will correct each other and support each other as we shift back to using her chosen name and she/her pronouns because she's an important part of our family.
She deserves to be seen as she wants to be seen and loved exactly as she is.
It's heartbreaking and so healing to be the dad I never had.
Things are really tight right now. I still haven't gotten my AOR - based on my most recent conversation with the IRCC, I should theoretically be getting that in the next couple of weeks (they can tell me when they most likely will be processing the applications that arrived the day mine did, but not when mine will be processed so we're still assuming a bit here). The TLDR is we need help financially. If you can support us by donating to our GoFundMe or to my PayPal or by booking a service from my business, it would help a lot.
Ask a Trans Man is one of the highlights of my week right now. If you'd like to help me keep providing answers, I need more questions! Use this link to ask your question and check out my most recent Ask a Trans Man post about Chasers.
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