Throwing Spaghetti at the Wall

One of the silliest things I learned in my life was that you can tell if spaghetti is cooked by throwing it at a wall and seeing if it sticks.

To be clear, this is not how I test spaghetti to see if it's done today, as a 37 year old man, but there was a brief window of my life where I delighted in throwing spaghetti noodles at the wall to see if they were done. I knew there were other ways to test this. I didn't care. It made me happy. Plus, the spaghetti made weird "art" when it stuck. I got art and a show all for the price of a couple of wasted noodles.

As Tommy and I have tried to figure out what we want to do with our lives now that we're in Canada and as we try to figure out how to pay our bills without the ability to get a job (you kind of need proof of residency to get jobs), I have likened it to throwing spaghetti at the wall more than once. We just need to chuck all the options at the wall, and see what sticks.

This has led me to recording a new YouTube video which will be posted shortly (it still needs to be edited). It also led me to being more active on my Instagram and on Threads. I'm about to start doing the same on Bluesky. Each platform has a different set of needs, so even if you were to follow me on all of them, you'd end up with different content. I'm just chucking all my ideas out there in order to see what sticks.

I also built a website, NomisTRANSformations.ca, where I plan on marketing my Reiki, Tarot and Massage/Bodywork services, as well as my specialty Soul Coaching (which is really just life coaching through an energy-work/spirituality lens). Everything but the massage/bodywork can be done virtually.

The issue with all of this is while I have a small following, times are really tough for everyone. No one has a boat-load of cash to hand me. No one can just fix our current situation. (Well, I guess not no-one. There are people who could, I just don't know them.)

I have this dream, a big one actually, of helping other trans people navigate the Start Overs that seem to come hit most trans folk by providing a network of community support and resources for them. I see this developing into a non-profit that serves the broader community here in Canada and then spreads out to help across the world. Except in order to make that dream a reality, I can't be only a couple months from homelessness myself. I need capital, funds, and actual connections in the community to do that. I don't have any of that. Yet.

Yet is what I keep telling myself.

One of the things that gets me up in the morning when all of this feels like too much is reminding myself of my dream. I'm not just problem-solving how to help my family. I'm problem-solving how to help future families. We're creating the network from the ground up. We'll do anything and everything to survive and someday, I'll look back and see the dream happening. That's what I tell myself.

Maybe it's me being delusional, but it does help motivate me to do things that equate to throwing spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks. Like writing these posts. Honestly, this website may just be my coping skill when it comes down to it. In 2 months, it's gotten less than 200 views. I tell myself someday, whether it's 2 months from now or 2 years from now, these words will help someone else, but so far I haven't seen that traction. For now, they are helping me, but doing things for me has always been hard, so I pretend I'm doing it for someone else.

I am networking anywhere and everywhere I can think of, reaching out to anyone and everyone who might possibly have some resources, some connections, that might help my family. I'm doing what I can and no matter how much I do it doesn't feel like it's enough. Nothing I do feels like enough. This is why I pretend I'm building a structure that is bigger than my family. If I focus on what we're dealing with right now, 200 page visits isn't enough. If I focus on a long-term, big-picture plan, 200 page visits is the foundation that could spur change.

Is this me just gas-lighting myself? Is that all optimism is? I wonder that regularly. I really do. As E recently said, he's good at manipulating himself into doing things. Maybe I'm just manipulating myself into doing things too. But if that manipulation results in us having enough money to pay rent and feed our kids, I'm all for it. Let's do it.

The funny thing is I've been doing this on some level ever since I was a kid. My journals as a kid were not accurate to what I felt inside most of the time. They were inspiration for a future some-day posterity. I wrote what I wanted them to know about me. I wrote what I felt would help them navigate their own life-challenges. I wrote for them, and in turn, it helped me.

The difference between then and now is I'm transparent about what I'm doing now. Yes, I would love for my words to help someone besides myself, but even if they just help me, it's okay. Yes, I would love to build this non-profit that helps people navigate their transitions, but even if it just helps me navigate mine, that's okay. All these noodles I'm throwing at the walls are just me trying to see what will give me nourishment. If in the end, they also help someone else, that's even better.

I grew up in a religion that taught me that I was supposed to be happy all the time (wickedness never was happiness, men are that they might have joy, etc etc etc). When I deconstructed my Mormon background, one of the things that stood out to me above everything else was that I'd leaned a bit too far into the "count your many blessing" and didn't listen enough to the internal voices trying to tell me how fucking miserable I was all the time.

The issue is, when I deconstructed Mormonism, I course corrected a bit too far the other way for a while. This is pretty typical. Think of it a bit like a pendulum. The further you pull it one way, the further it will swing the other before finding a natural rhythm. But in the post-Mormon state I found myself initially, I forgot to rely on hope. I forgot how beautiful life can be when you dream dreams that out-pace your reality.

I actually think I was more grounded in this as a teenager and I'm trying to lean back into those vibes. One of my favorite sayings as a teenager was "shoot for the moon, because even if you miss, you'll land among the stars".

Frankly, I'd rather land among the stars. Can I just aim for those instead? I want to rocket out past Jupiter and Pluto into the heart of the Milky Way. Maybe the Moon isn't dreaming big enough.

So I'm throwing my spaghetti at the wall. I'm doing what I need to do, contacting the people I need to contact, and building a foundation for what I want to accomplish. I can't say it will happen or not. Maybe I'll aim for the Andromeda Galaxy and only end up hitting the moon. But the moon is still a pretty good place to end up and since I clearly have bad aim, if I don't aim far out there, I might never leave the orbit of Earth.

Anyway. I don't know where this will go, but I do believe that if I keep throwing things at the wall, eventually something will stick. Eventually I'll be able to find the path that makes the most sense for me and my family. Eventually, I'll have somewhere stable to call home, where my kids feel safe.

And then, maybe, somewhere down the road, I'll learn a better way to see which path is the best one for me and I won't need to throw the spaghetti anymore.

(Also, sorry for the metaphors for everything. I'm leaning hard into my Dad-vibes lately. I always liked metaphors, but I'm a bit extra with them lately. I blame having 3 kids.)

The first post of Ask a Trans Man is up! Also, if you want to submit a question, you can do so here.

WE NEED MONEY! I don't know if that wasn't clear, but uh. Things are tight right now and we're really worried about being able to do things like pay for doctor's appointments and medication and buy food. If you can donate to our GoFundMe or my business' PayPal or send me a message on Instagram with another way you can help, I'd appreciate it.

Also, consider sharing this post, or sharing the post about why we fled the USA and are starting over in Canada. More views results in more chances for us to not only get the help we need, but also to build the dream I'm dreaming and make it a reality.

You can find me on most social media as PopeSimonX, such as YouTube, Instagram, Bluesky, and Threads. I'm not active on X, so while I have a profile there, I will never see you interacting with it.