The world is a dumpster fire. I don't know what else to say about it beyond that. It just is. I've worn out my usage of the phrase "it is what it is" for the year and we're not even through January yet.

What do you do when all the techniques you learned from therapy aren't applicable because you actually have a legitimate reason to be afraid?

Like, trust me, I want to be overreacting. Please let my fears all be fake! I'd give a lot of good money if that were the case! Except they aren't. I live in Utah. The representative for my area of Utah, Trevor Lee, just proposed a bill that sets the stage for them removing trans kids from their parents. Obviously they aren't starting there, but if they can get this pushed through, that is where they will take it.

It also removes all protections for trans individuals from the legal framework. This means I could be denied jobs, housing, etc. based on who I am. It's not a secret. I'm trans. There's no going back into the closet or pretending. And that's just not a life I want for my two trans step-kids.

So, we're looking for a place to go where we can just exist. What a wild concept!

The other day, I had a crying 13 year old saying that all he wants is a normal life. Gods, I wish I could give that to him. I wish he could wake up in the morning with potential fights with his siblings being his biggest concern. I don't know how to make it better for him. I don't know that I can. But goddamnit I'm going to try. I'm going to give him the fight my parents weren't willing to do for me.

It's wild to me that I could have figured myself out at about his age. Earlier, the 8yo asked me what was the worst day of my life. I was honest. It was the day I tried to come out to my mom. She told me it would be better to be dead than "be like that."

She was so wrong.

But there are a lot of people who agree with her who are in political power right now and it scares me because I've seen this house from the inside. I refuse to make my kids go through what I did.

Anyway, if you want to help me exit the country with my family, you're welcome to donate to my Paypal! https://www.paypal.com/ncp/payment/XGGBW2YFYKQGU

It should list Nomis Soul Healing as the business. That's my business. If you google it, you'll find my defunct website and also maybe a listing for when I had a physical location in North Carolina. I now live in a different part of the country, so I feel safe-enough with that information being shared here.

Today, I worked on my Get Canadian Citizenship Plan. I have multiple back-up plans also being worked on, but long story short is, I'm going to fight for me and my family. I'm going to fight for the right to live as myself and not have to jump through a million hoops to deserve people's love.

I will be having a free-blog regularly you can subscribe to where I promise I won't pretend things are fine, but I also promise I won't just doom-and-gloom it. I'll find the middle. I am working on radical acceptance right now... We'll see if it works.

I also have some paid-content that I'll be creating! More to follow!

Here goes attempt #296 at Writing Online.